


And Then I Saw His Face

by Sinner_Writes



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Big brother Dream, Found Family, Hybrids, M/M, Shrek AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:16:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27154388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinner_Writes/pseuds/Sinner_Writes
Summary: Technoblade is a simple man that just wants to live his life quietly on the abandoned potato farm that he had scored for himself.  However, when a child afflicted with a near-unbreakable curse shows up, he finds himself being dragged out of his home and onto the road in order to save an isolated Princess.Oh yeah, and there’s an evil midget.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Clay | Dream/Dave | Technoblade, Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit
Comments: 255
Kudos: 1698





	1. A Solid Routine

Waking up at the crack of dawn isn’t what most people would consider “relaxing”. However, to the lone potato farmer, it’s all he’s ever wanted out of life.

Sure, taking care of the fields single-handedly was time consuming, but it’s not like he ever had anything better to do. And out here, there was nobody to judge him for his physical traits.

You see, in this world, humans aren’t exactly alone. No, there are also the people that have been (somewhat dehumanizingly) dubbed as “hybrids”. They were just as smart as any other person, but as everyone knows, people are assholes. And as an asshole himself, Technoblade didn’t care enough to bother trying to fix things.

Instead, the pig-hybrid had broken into some old farm ruins, fixed them up a bit, and started his own little garden. Said “little” garden stretched out for acres, and it wasn’t going to take care of itself.

So, Techno took that job upon himself.

It was a peaceful life, and while most people would get lonely, Techno didn’t like people enough to miss them. He simply put up a few signs saying “BEWARE OF PIGLIN” and let the people scare themselves away. Sure, he wasn’t ACTUALLY a piglin, but the two ears that poked through his hair were close enough to convince anyone that was foolish enough to ignore the -- quite literal -- warning signs.

Of course, the town that was unfortunately close to his farm consisted of quite a few fools.

And by “quite a few”, he means “ninety percent of the population”.

The other ten percent were toddlers.

As a result, Technoblade had formed his own little routine.

Monday through Friday consisted of taking care of the potato fields. He would plant, water, and harvest as needed. On Saturdays, he would prepare for the inevitable raid of drunkards, and beat them back. Sometimes with a sword, most often with a broom. And on Sunday, he would take a well-deserved rest before starting the cycle all over again.

Today, for example, was a Saturday night. It was after dark, so the idiot brigade should be arriving at any second. And at the first sign of light, Techno makes his way over, trusty broom in hand. He goes unnoticed as he slips behind them. Either he’s incredibly stealthy for his size, or the men are just that drunk. At point, it could be either. Or both.

The men are led by an older man. Techno has no idea what he does for a living, nor does he care. All he knows is that this person has been constantly trying to raid his farm every Saturday night for the past five years. You really think that he would give up by now. Though, he has to admit, the determination is impressive.

Sometimes, during these raids, he would have some fun by slinking around, shaking branches, and doing his best to scare these idiots senseless. Other times, he would tell them horrifyingly gruesome (and entirely made up) stories of what he had done to previous raiders. This time, though, he’s tired from a day of harvesting and just wants to go to bed.

Somehow, the men don’t notice when he slips through the crowd -- At least, not until he’s wacked the leader upside the head with the broom.

“How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?” It’s a royal we, there’s not actually anybody else here, but nobody else has to know that. He hits the old geezer a few more times for good measure before turning and whacking the nearest person with the broom.

“Get off my property,” he says in a slightly raised monotone voice as he violently swings the stick back and forth. Somehow, nobody realizes that the worst thing that could happen is a minor headache, and they all flee like the rats that they are. Once he’s certain that they’re all gone, he glances up at the sky.

The moon is still new, so maybe he can actually get some good shut-eye tonight.

Of course, the universe seems to hate him, because he hears more yelling on his way back. However, said yelling does not seem to be getting any closer, so he just ignores it and goes home.

He vaguely notes that it sounds kind of like a child. But since the child seems more angry than scared, he doesn’t really care. If it’s still there tomorrow, he’ll consider checking it out, but there’s no guarantee.


	2. That Kid is Kind of an Ass

The yelling, unfortunately, does not go away.

It’s a little bit past noon, and while Techno thought that he was free of any responsibility in this situation, the sound had resumed a little over an hour ago. Should he investigate, out of the kindness of his heart?

No, but the sound is getting pretty damn annoying, so he goes anyways.

Eventually, he finds his way through the woods surrounding his fields and to a clearing. He bursts out of the bushes dramatically. His sword is on his hip, and in his hands, he carries his trusty broom.

“I was having a good sleep!” He shouts. “I was laying there, getting some shut-eye, and you woke me up!” With extreme annoyance, the man looks around the clearing.

It’s completely empty, aside from a donkey with a yellow mane. Can donkeys even have yellow manes? Techno doesn’t know, but the poor thing must be lost.

“Sorry, little guy,” He coos, voice growing softer at the sight of the lone animal. “Were you abandoned?”

“Who the fuck are you calling little,” Says the fucking  _ donkey _ , and while Techno doesn’t scream, he does instinctively hit it with the broom as hard as he can. The donkey yelps.

“What the hell was that for?!” It demands, and oh, it does sound like a child, doesn’t it.

“Why are you talking,” he asks, voice steady despite his extreme confusion. He doesn’t get paid enough for this shit (not that he gets paid at all). So really, as soon as he has his answers, he’s probably just going to leave, now that he knows that this thing is sentient.

“‘Cause I’m a person?” Says the donkey, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Okay,” is his own response, as he turns around and starts to walk away. He’s either gone crazy or didn’t get enough sleep last night. Either way, he’s going back to bed.

“Hey, wait, where are you going?” asks the creature (the kid?), and the voice doesn’t seem to be getting farther away. Oh God, is this thing following him? Techno begins to speed up a bit. “Don’t ignore me!” It’s right beside him now. Maybe if he doesn’t acknowledge it, it’ll go away, just like all of his other problems in the past. Just don’t make eye contact.

The donkey, however, does not shut up.

“You can’t get rid of me, you know,” it says. Techno’s response is to absentmindedly smack it with the broom again, not even bothering to look at it. It lets out a startled “ow,” but does not seem to be phased.

“Look, man, you made the mistake of talking to me. So, that means you’re not afraid, and now you’re stuck with me. Deal with it, big man.”

“Is that some sort of fae curse? Or are you genuinely this fucking annoying?” The man lives alone for a reason, and he doesn’t want to change that now. Also, he’s still not entirely sure that this isn’t just a hallucination. He hits the child with the broom again just to check.

Yep, feels solid.

“Hey, don’t look at me! Look at the bastard who cursed me!” Is the retort. “And stop hitting me with that thing!”

Techno hits him again for the sass.

“What the fuck!” At this point, they’ve reached the house.

“I’m going to bed,” Techno says, ignoring anything that the kid had said previously. He opens the door, sliding in before the other can respond. “If you wake me up, I’m going to hit you with the sword next time.”

He slams the door shut.

\---

Unfortunately, when he wakes up, the kid is still sitting there.

“Why are you here,” he asks, monotone voice seeping with annoyance.

“Well, where else am I supposed to go?” The donkey asks.

“Not here,” is his reply. Please, God, just let it end. He doesn’t want a roommate, especially not a talking farm animal.

Oh, wait, this is a farm animal, isn’t it?

“But…” Techno starts, trailing off as he questions whether or not this is truly a good idea. “If you  _ really _ want to stay, I guess I could use the help.”

“What, you’re gonna give me a job? Not try to break the curse?”

“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t really care about you or your problems. You can either get to work or I can boot you out.”

The kid groans.

“Fine. What’s the to-do list, big man?”

\---

“I’m not doing that,” says the donkey as he catches sight of the old horse-drawn plow. “I refuse. That’s just humiliating.”  
  
“Would you rather be back in the wilderness? Just be glad I’m not selling you for gold. Not that anyone would want to buy you.”

“That’s just slavery!” The child shouts, scandalized.

“It’s mandatory labor.”

“S to the L to the A to the V to the E!”

“Are you going to work or not?”

In the end, the donkey sucks it up. And though Techno would never admit it out loud, it makes things a hell of a lot easier.


	3. Potato Boy

You see, Tommy never asked to be turned into a fucking donkey.

He was just going through town with his brother, wandering off to mind his own business, when he bumped into some random jackass. And of course, Tommy is never at fault, so clearly it was the other person who caused the collision. He’s a nice guy, though, so he didn’t even bother asking for an apology.

But for some reason, the other guy was really pissed at him. So, Tommy did what anybody would in his position and told the guy to go fuck himself with a cactus. That, however, made the guy really angry, and before he could run off to find Wilbur, he got dragged off by the creep. Who, as he would later find out, was the fucking sorry excuse for a King.

Then, some asshole in sunglasses cursed him, and now he’s a damn equine. Also, he has no idea where his brother is, so that’s another thing. He went looking, but Wilbur apparently decided to fuck off to nowhere-land, so then he had to run into the wilderness to try and find some sort of help.

He had been screaming in the woods for a few days when this pig-eared jackass finally found him. And he had thought, oh hey! Finally, some hope!

Nope, because this bastard apparently only cares about free, “mandatory labor”.

Unbelievable.

He doesn’t even care about breaking the curse, or Tommy’s own happiness! This guy just wants to sit in his simple little house on his simple little farm. The only thing he does is plant potatoes!

Like right now -- Tommy has just finished plowing these damn fields.

“Plant, potato boy, plant,” Tommy says, in an attempt to be funny. He gets a potato thrown at him for his efforts. Rude ass.

“Nobody ever asks me how my day was,” the other deadpans. “They just say plant, potato boy, plant.”

Okay, so maybe the humor  _ was _ appreciated. That’s good, at least.

It suddenly occurs to Tommy that after two weeks, he still doesn’t know this man’s name. And, being who he is, he immediately voices said realization.

“Yeah, I know,” says the man. “I just didn’t care enough about you to ask.”

“Oh, well, my name is-”

“I still don’t,” is the interruption. “So don’t bother telling me.”

Fucking bastard.

“It’s Tommy,” he says anyways, because he’s amazing and should be recognized for these things.

“Still don’t care.” The pig hybrid doesn’t even look up.

“What, you’re not gonna tell me yours?”

“Why should I? I don’t give my name to random people.”

“You’ve been using me as a farming tool for the past two weeks!”

The man simply turns away and keeps farming.

\---

The only redeeming quality, Tommy thinks, is that at the very least, he’s allowed to sleep on the couch. It’s way better than the broken down barn that he is occasionally threatened with when he gets a bit rowdy (not that he’s annoying, pig man is just easily irritated by the most minor things). And yeah, maybe he’s a bit upset about not having a proper bed, but he guesses it’s better than nothing. At least it’s a comfortable couch, even though he probably stole it from someone.

But, as nice as worn down couches in a farmhouse are, Tommy is kind of getting sick of being a donkey. It’s just  _ mildly _ upsetting. And since the man (whose name he still doesn’t know) won’t  _ willingly _ help him, he’ll just have to make an effort to annoy him into helping him.

Unfortunately, Tommy doesn’t think that he’s very good at getting on people’s nerves, but he can probably figure something out. He can’t just break things, unless he wants to be a child abuse victim to that fucking broom, so he’ll have to work around that.

Attempt One: Talking. More than he usually does, at least.

He makes sure to speak at any given opportunity, from the moment that the pig hybrid wakes up to the moment he falls asleep at night. This, however, fails, because he gets locked outside again.

Attempt Two: Stand outside every window staring ominously. It’s a good plan, but Tommy forgot to take one thing into account. Namely, curtains.

Attempt Three: Singing. Honestly, he’s a bit offended that he had to resort to this one, since his singing voice is like a fucking angel. But, since his ever so gracious host is so pissy at everything, it just might work.

This, too, fails, because the man somehow got a hold of a spray bottle. When used in alternative fashion with the broom, Tommy cannot feel safe anymore.

Finally, though. Finally, Tommy apparently gets through to him (through methods that he’s not quite sure about), and the man gets incredibly exasperated.

“Fine. What do you want.” That is the voice of a broken man.

“I want you to help me break my curse,” he replies, not mentioning the tired, dead eyes.

“If I do that, will you  _ please _ never speak to me again?”

“Deal!”

And that’s how Tommy ends up explaining to the older man just  _ exactly _ how he got cursed.


	4. It's Time To Get Schlatty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sponsored by the Dreamnoblade Discord.
> 
> https://discord.gg/FedMQqR

It’s good to be a king.

Sure, he hasn’t been in charge for all that long. However, there’s no way that his reign could be any shorter than he is. You see, Schlatt proudly stands at four feet of pure intimidation. And what he lacks in height, he makes up for in  _ other _ areas.

Namely, politics.

Of course, some may say that since he didn’t inherit the throne, he wasn’t really a king. To that, he says foolishness! He’s earned his position even more than those born into power have. He worked hard, and those saying that he lied and cheated his way up to the top of a corrupt government can say hello to the cold, unforgiving walls of the dungeons.

And besides, he follows the rules! For example, right now, he’s trying to find a princess to marry in order to become a “true king”, just like everybody says he should. Technically, they say that he can’t be a king since he doesn’t have that royal wife, but he’ll fix that soon enough. It’s just a minor detail.

“So, what do we have today, boys,” he asks his council. And by “council,” he means Quackity, that one witch that dragged him to his house after one rough night at the bar. Yes, he owes dear Quackity quite a lot.

“Well, sir, we have two options for you,” he says, shifting through a few papers.

“Alright, lay ‘em on me.”

“The first is a pretty nice girl. Her name’s Alex, she lives in the woods with a few animals. Probably knows how to handle an axe.”

“Boring. What’s the next one?”

Quackity is unfazed, already used to this. A good man, that Quackity is.

“The second is a little bit harder. We don’t actually know what she looks like, beyond the fact that her beauty is said to be unrivaled. Either way, she’s locked up in a tower that’s guarded by a massive fucking dragon. I don’t mean to influence your decisions, Sir, but I really recommend that you go for option one.”

“That’s quitter’s talk! Unrivaled beauty, you say?” Plus, a girl that’s been locked up in a tower for who knows how long? She won’t know shit! It’ll be easy to keep her near, and even easier to convince her to marry him if it means that she can get away from her prison.   
  


“Sir, please. I am begging you to be reasonable for just once in your life.” Quackity sounds desperate. Though Schlatt appreciates the concern, it’s not needed. After all, he knows exactly what he’s doing!

“Nonsense! This’ll work out perfectly. We just find some schmuck to go grab the girl for us, and then it’s happily ever after -- if you know what I mean.” He punctuates that last statement with an eyebrow wiggle. Quackity rolls his own eyes, already used to this.

“As long as you’re not risking your own safety,” he says. Schlatt laughs at that. As if he’d ever put himself in danger.

“Nah, we’ll just hold a tournament. Tell the knights it’ll be a great honor to fetch the lovely lady for us. And hey, if they survive, we’ll even give them a bit of gold for their time!” A perfect plan. After all, what’s a bit of gold to a King that can always take double that in taxes? Not that he will, since he already promised lower taxes to the people of the kingdom. But the point still stands.

“What’s the pretty girl’s name, anyways? Where’s she from?”

Quackity looks at the papers.

“She is from Symps, and her name is…” More shifting through papers. “Princess Dream.”

“Well, now doesn’t that sound like a  _ dream come true. _ ” Schlatt takes a second to appreciate his own pun. “So, let’s get this show on the road. We’ll put out flyers, hold a tournament, and then wait for our princess to arrive.”

Yes, everything was falling into place.


	5. A Scream So Loud That It Qualified As A Chapter Title

“So let me get this straight,” Techno says, already feeling the headache forming. “You got yourself cursed by the  _ King? _ ”

“Yep,” is the response from the brat donkey.

“Why. Why would you do this.” He massages his temples.  
  
“Well, it’s not my fault! He bumped into me!” Is the defensive answer.

“Why didn’t you just apologize?” Stupid child. Stupid fucking child.

“Because I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“It doesn’t  _ matter _ if you didn’t do anything wrong, he’s the King! You gotta act nice so that he doesn’t fuck you over!”

“Oh, so now  _ you’re _ going to be giving me lessons in manners?”

“It’s not even manners! It’s basic survival instincts! Don’t piss off the guy in charge!”

“Well, I didn’t know he was in charge when he bumped into me!”  
  
“How did you not recognize your own king?!”

“Oh, like you could have?”

“I wouldn’t have bumped into somebody!”

“HE BUMPED INTO ME!”

What did he get into. Why did he pick up this child. Right now, Techno is just regretting all of his decisions that led up to this point in time. Is it too late to bring him back into the woods and go to bed? Probably, because he knows the way to the farm and would just show up again. And if Tommy starts singing again, he’s going to use the sword on the donkey and then himself. Maybe he could even get them both in a single stab, kind of like a kebab.

“So are you gonna help me, or not?” The boy asks, once he’s seemed to calm down a bit from the loud yell. That yell was so loud, in fact, that it might even be able to take out a few walls. At least three, but the fourth wall might still be intact. Who knows, though.

“Fine,  _ but _ ,” he adds, before the other can celebrate. “Once it’s broken, you need to stop being such a pain in my ass. Got it?”   
  


“We have a deal, big man!”

He’s going to regret this, isn’t he?

\---

By some miracle of God, the King is having some sort of tournament. Now, if this were in a book, he would call it corny and unrealistic. However, this is not a book, so he won’t question it.

Either way, he bids a sad goodbye to his potato fields (which, at the very least, have been harvested by now), and begins the journey to the city of Manberg.

Techno has never been to Manberg -- Which, for someone as antisocial as him, is just fine. Really, he would have rather kept it that way, but life seems to hate him. So, now he’s on a journey to get there within the next few days in order to actually take place in the tournament.

The stupid child talks the whole way there.

“I swear to any God that’s out there, if you do not shut up right now, I’m turning around.”

“No you won’t,” says Tommy smugly, “You want me out of the way too badly.” The little shit is right. But, since he won’t say it out loud, Techno has a better idea.

He hits him with the broom.

Or at least, he tries to, because Tommy has gotten so used to the swings that he ducks down and avoids it perfectly. Damn.

It’s fine, though, because Techno gets him on the back of the head with a second swing.

“Also, you’re not allowed to talk in the city. I don’t want to be pulled aside for questions, got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, I gotcha, big man.”

For some reason, Techno doesn’t believe that. Oh well -- he can always pretend like he doesn’t know him and then go home. The brat can take care of his own problems for once.

On the other hand, Tommy might actually get himself killed, and while Techno is proudly a self-proclaimed asshole, he still has  _ some _ morals, and isn’t about to let a literal child die, no matter how much of a pain in the ass said child is.

No, he’s not getting attached. That would just be ridiculous. It’s the morals, he tells ya. Those pesky, pesky morals.


	6. The Tournament

Miraculously, they arrive at Manberg on the day of the tournament. It’s kind of weird, how these perfect coincidences keep happening, but he’s still not going to question it because he really doesn’t want to know what sort of answer he’ll find. If the universe wants to be kind to him for once, he’s not going to say no. Of course, it might just be trying to lull him into a false sense of security before metaphorically smacking him in the face, but he’ll take it.

Of course, now they have to find where the tournament is.

It’s actually really easy, because there are signs everywhere. The signs also say some shit about a princess, but Techno doesn’t care enough to read them. If it was important, it would have been in larger text. Also, who designed those posters? He’s not that good at design himself, but he’s better than this guy.

“Those posters look like ass,” Tommy says, and even though he had agreed not to talk, the poster looks so shitty that Techno can’t fault him for speaking out. Unfortunately, somebody seems to have heard them, because an older lady freezes.

“That donkey is talking,” she says, and Techno almost groans before he realizes a clear advantage of his in this situation.

“What do you mean?” He asks, playing dumb.

“Yeah, lady, what are you talking about?” Tommy adds.

“Are you okay?” Techno asks again. With any luck, they can convince this woman that she’s gone mad in her old age. It seems to work, because she simply shakes her head in confusion.

“Oh dear, I must have forgotten to take my herbal remedies this morning.” And then she walks off.

Well, that’s one problem that’s been taken care of. Now, to get into the tournament, and win.

Techno brought his sword for a reason.

(And that reason is to look intimidating while he beats several trained knights senseless with a broom.)

\---

Now, there’s probably a registration, but Techno doesn’t really care. Instead, he just walks onto the battlefield in the middle of a fight and starts swinging. He doesn’t know who the fuck these people are, but they’re really shitty fighters. Soon enough, they’re both unconscious on the ground.

“Excuse me, but,” comes a booming voice. “Whom the  _ fuck? _ ” Techno looks up to see King Schlatt in all of his glory staring down at him from behind the rails of the balcony overlooking the field. He also notices that in the gaps of the stone fencing, the stool that the King is standing on is visible. Holy shit, this guy is short.

“Why are you here, you filthy hybrid?” Schlatt demands, as if he’s not literally the size of a small child.

“I don’t know, why are you so short?” Is that a good idea? No, but the fucker can come down and face him himself if he has a problem. However, Schlatt seems to realize that it would not be wise to fight a man who just took out two armored knights with a broom.

“You just took out my tournament finalists,” he states instead.

“Guess I’m the winner then,” Techno shrugs.

“I mean, that is technically how tournaments work,” Tommy pipes up, and Schlatt’s face shows recognition. God fucking damn it.

“Oh, it’s  _ you! _ ” He laughs incredulously, and Techno grabs the child’s mane before he can run off and do something stupid.

“Yeah, we’re here to break his curse or whatever,” he states in monotone.

“Well, I can break the curse, but first, you’re gonna have to do something for me. You saw the signs, right?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Then you know about the princess?”

“Nope.”

Schlatt looks bewildered.

“It was on the sign.”

“I mean, the text was really small. I could barely read it, so I just didn’t. You should really get a better designer.”

Schlatt’s eyes narrow.

“Well, since you ignored my entire pitch, the gist of it is that the winner of this tournament gets the honor of bringing back my future bride!”

Techno wonders who the hell hates their kids enough to engage them to this manlet.

“And if I do that, you’ll break the curse?”

“Of course! If that’s the reward you choose, I mean. After all, I can offer you so much-”

“Nope. Break the curse. I can’t stand this kid for any longer than I already have.”

“Understandable. Have a nice day -- I’ll have one of my men give you a map to where the girl is.”

Great. The man didn’t even ask if they wanted to.

This is going to be a much bigger headache than he thought it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this chapter is sponsored by the Dreamnoblade server.
> 
> https://discord.gg/yMBRvdG
> 
> Tell them that Wibby's father sent you.


	7. A Little Bit of Lava

They’ve been on the road for about a week before they catch any sign of the fortress where the girl is being held.

“We don’t even know what she looks like,” complains Tommy. “She could be fucking ugly for all we know.”

“Listen.” Techno pauses for effect. “I’m not the one that’s going to marry her. If she’s ugly, that’s Schlatt’s problem. He should have done more research before sending us after some random woman.”

“She’s been in this tower for years, what if she’s just dead? Like, would we just have to bring back her corpse?”

“Wouldn’t be the first corpse I’ve had to haul across the country.” That’s a lie, he’s never actually hauled a dead body around before, but Tommy doesn’t need to know that. Maybe he can use it as an intimidation tactic later down the line.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” The kid stops, most likely staring at him with confusion and horror.

“Just hope that you never find out.” Techno, however, does not stop. Maybe if he’s lucky he can lose him.

Nope, because a donkey can still run faster than a person. It’s quite unfortunate, especially because the brat had refused to let him ride him to save time. Said how humiliating it would be, and that he probably couldn’t even carry him. What a liar.

Despite that, they should be arriving at the fortress soon. It was bound to be trapped, at the very least. What did this girl even do to get locked up? Did her parents just not want to have a child? That’s kind of fucked up.

“I think I see it!” Tommy shouts, trotting over to the top of the hill that they’re currently climbing. And somehow, Techno is able to see him tense up. Oh God, what’s up the top of the hill?

He climbs up, and looks across at the fortress.

There is lava everywhere around that fucking building. It’s made up of what appears to be dark red bricks, but that’s not important. What is important is the earlier mentioned lava.

“Hey, Tommy,” Techno begins, actually using the brat’s name for once. “Are you sure that you don’t just want to stay a donkey? You don’t have to pay taxes.”

“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” he replies, nervousness clearly on display by the fact that he didn’t dispute the question. “It’s just a little bit of lava, how bad can it be?”

\---

The answer, as it turns out, is pretty bad.

There is one bridge, and it looks like it’s going to collapse at any given moment. Can it even hold them? Only one way to find out.

Not wanting to risk Tommy falling into the fucking abyss, he simply lifts the donkey over his shoulders. Because at this point, if he lets the kid die, the whole thing will have just been a huge waste of his time. Also, pesky morals.

Tommy yelps as he’s lifted up.

“What the fuck?!”

“I don’t want you to miss a step,” Techno replies, carefully treading across the bridge. It dips in a way that he really doesn’t like, but is apparently much sturdier than it appears.

Somehow, through what could only have been a divine miracle, they reach the other side. It’s only when they’re about ten feet away that the man puts down the other.

“Well, that was easier than expected,” Tommy says. But, as stated way back in the beginning of this tale, the universe seems to hate him, because there’s suddenly a loud, angry roar.

“What the fuck was that,” The kid asks. As if to answer his question, a large black shape flies out of what is probably the courtyard and lands directly in front of them. Blue eyes narrow at the sight of them, and flames trickle out of the creature’s mouth.

“Run,” is all that Techno says. Thankfully, Tommy listens for once in his fucking life, and the two of them bolt.

The dragon pursues.


	8. You'll BEE Okay

Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck. _

There is a giant fucking dragon chasing after them. That much is obvious, but what the fuck?! They weren’t told about a dragon! Did the King really think that wasn’t important?! And it’s not like an, “oh haha I tricked you!” sort of deal, because the King wanted the Princess, and hadn’t even planned on sending the two of them specifically! Did the guy just not know?! How little research did he even  _ do?! _ It’s like he didn’t even bother to look into this beyond the fact that there was a pretty woman!

Now, Tommy loves women just as much as any other guy. But really? Is one girl worth  _ this _ much?

As the dragon shoots a stream of fire at them, he decides that no, some princess is  _ not _ worth this shit.

Not when both he and his traveling companion each dive to opposite directions. And definitely not when they’re separated by a huge wall of flames. He’s able to see the man on the other side, which is good. What’s not good, though, is that the normally stoic farmer now has panic written all over his face.

“GO!” He shouts, grabbing the dragon’s attention. But Tommy can’t- He can’t just  _ leave _ him here, right?

The man whacks the dragon with the broom, and it lets out a yelp from the impact.

Okay, maybe he’ll be fine.

Tommy takes off as fast as he can down the nearest hallway.

However, he’s only about halfway down when he realizes something.

If the man is able to fight off the dragon, then doesn’t that make Tommy the weak link? And if the dragon has any level of awareness…

A loud roar pierces the air, and it sounds a lot closer than it should reasonably be if the dragon was fighting the other guy.

FUCK.

Despite the increased speed boost from being a fucking donkey, he’s still barely managing to stay ahead of the overgrown lizard. And even then, the only reason he’s got that going for him is because it’s constantly crashing into the walls of the winding hallway. Of course, he doesn’t know where the fuck he’s going, because this is just some random-ass castle that he happens to be inside of right now. He could even be heading towards a dead end without realizing it.

Eventually, Tommy finds himself in a large room. He turns to look behind himself in an attempt to see how far back the dragon is, and as a result, doesn’t realize that he’s made a mistake -- at least, not until he sprints headfirst off of a balcony.

There’s about three seconds of him falling through the air before he thankfully lands in a small pond. Fish quickly scatter in all directions in an attempt to get away.

Tommy is not going to make the same mistake twice, so this time, he actually looks around to take in his surroundings.

He’s in a garden of some sort. It’s actually rather peaceful, which is a stark contrast to the maroon bricks of the rest of the fortress. There’s a few plots of land that are growing various crops, with what appears to be a cobblestone path connecting them. A few wooden benches are placed throughout. It looks like something you would find in a little old tea house.

Of course, the peace does not last long, because the fucking dragon lands directly in front of him. But for some reason, it doesn’t move -- almost as if it’s afraid to cause damage here.

“Is this your garden?” Tommy takes a shot in the dark, and immediately wonders if he’s being stupid. Why the hell would a dragon have a garden?

Apparently, though, he’s not being a dumbass, because the dragon nods, almost warily. As if it’s scared of how he’s going to react to that? But that’s just weird.

“It’s a very lovely garden,” he says, taking the flattery route. Who knows, it just might work with all of his sparkling charisma. And for a second, it looks like it might have.

But then the dragon lunges at him, and he’s pretty sure that he’s about to fucking die. Except it seems to get smaller and smaller as it gets closer, until there’s a very humanlike face directly in front of his.

_ “Do you really think so?” _

\---

Meanwhile, a pig hybrid ducks into a room to take a breath, and is met with a pair of bright green eyes.


	9. I Saw A Man So Beautiful That I Started Crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sponsored by the Dreamnoblade Discord!
> 
> https://discord.gg/h5eAwu5AK5

It takes Techno a few seconds to realize what the hell he’s looking at.

In the center of the room, there’s a man holding what appears to be a white mask, almost as if he’s just taken it off. The mask isn’t important, though -- or maybe it is, but right now, he’s focused on other things.

Namely, the man’s face.

The stranger’s face is covered in freckles, and his brown hair frames his face in a way that makes him look like an angel. Long lashes surround beautiful green eyes that stare at him in distrust.

Now, Techno doesn’t normally care for other people, but it’s safe to say that this is the most beautiful person he’s ever laid eyes on.

“Who the fuck are you,” The man says, backing up a bit.

“Who the fuck are  _ you, _ ” is Techno’s own response.

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.”

The man looks down at the mask, seemingly debating something internally. Whatever it is, he seems to decide against it. Instead, he looks over Techno himself.

Suddenly, the potato farmer feels very underdressed. He’s not sure why, though, because even though he’s wearing casual clothes and a cape, the other isn’t really that much better? All the stranger has are a black, long-sleeved shirt, a knee-length skirt that’s in a slightly lighter shade of black, and some white and black striped stockings. Oh, and bright red shoes that are the only splash of color on him. There’s also a hood of some sort, but it’s down, so Techno doesn’t pay it any mind.

However, the man suddenly freezes. Tracking his gaze, the farmer realizes that it’s settled on the sword strapped to his hip.

“Did… Did you  _ kill _ Tubbo?!” The brunet’s face takes an expression of extreme, unfiltered rage.   
  


“Who’s Tubbo?” Now, as pretty as this guy is, Techno is also worried that he might get attacked right now, so he holds his broom defensively.

“My little brother! The dragon!” What the fuck? That doesn’t even make any sense biologically.

“I mean, I hit him with a broom, but that’s about it.” Though now that he thinks about it, who even is this guy? They’re looking for the princess, and nobody else was supposed to be here. Is this another person trying to rescue her, or just a generic looter? Is that why they were never told about the dragon? Because it wasn’t even supposed to be here in the first place?

“You hit Tubbo with a  _ broom?! _ ” The man is still upset, but at least he doesn’t seem to want bloodshed anymore. So, Techno decides to cut to the chase.

“Who even are you? Are you trying to get to the princess too? Or are you just a looter of some sort?” Because if he is, that’s a problem. If somebody else brings the princess back, then he gets stuck with a talking donkey.

“Princess?  _ Looter? _ I’m Prince Dream!”

What the fuck.

\---

On the other side of the country, a King sits down with his council of one.

“Oh, I can’t wait to set my eyes on that beautiful girl!” He pours himself a rather large glass of whiskey. “I wonder what she looks like?”

“I’m sure she’ll be stunning, Sir,” Quackity says, silently resigning himself for another night of dragging the King home. “I hope that the dragon won’t be too much of a problem for them, though.” Schlatt pauses.

“The dragon?”

“Yes, Sir, we’ve been over this. It was the reason that you chose not to go yourself, remember?”

Oh yeah, there was a dragon, wasn’t there?

“Sir, you…  _ did _ remember to tell them about the dragon, right?”

Schlatt’s response is to put down his glass of whiskey and start chugging the bottle.


	10. Local Man Has A Sexuality Crisis, More At Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sponsored by the Dreamnoblade discord.
> 
> https://discord.gg/FedMQqR
> 
> The password is "clout chaser".

“You’re a guy,” Techno says, and the man -- who is apparently the prince(ss) that they’ve been after, looks at him like he’s an idiot.

“Yeah? Good on you for figuring that out, I guess.” A pause. “I still don’t know who you are, so start talking.”

“I farm potatoes,” he says, because as pretty as this guy is, Techno does not like being sassed. Though, to be fair, this is the guy that they need to bring back, so he should probably explain honestly. And in the prince’s defense, he  _ did _ break into his home. “Also, some midget cursed a kid and refuses to break it unless we bring you back for him to marry.” Which, honestly, sounds incredibly incel-like now that he thinks about it. Why can’t the midget just find a wife on his own? Did he really need to go for the isolated guy?

What would he even do when he saw that it was a man?

“...What kind of curse?” Prince Dream is quiet. Is he actually thinking about going with them to help some random stranger? It makes things way easier, but if he’s that much of a bleeding heart, he’s going to be screwed with the selfish asshole that wanted him.

“He’s a donkey,” Techno states simply.

“Like, a donkey hybrid?”

“No, he’s just a talking donkey.”

“Wh-” The prince seems bewildered. “Why… Why is he a talking donkey, of all things?”  
  
“I don’t know, probably because he’s an ass.”

A pause.

“How old is this kid?”  
  
“The fuck if I know. He just showed up one day and I couldn’t make him leave.”

“Oh, so kind of like Tubbo,” Prince Dream says, and then he  _ giggles. _ The sound is light, airy, and completely adorable.

Techno, although keeping his face neutral, starts to panic.

Is… Is he gay? Like, he’s never truly been attracted to anybody before, but also, people were assholes, so he had no reason to be. But now, there’s a pretty boy, with a cute face and a nice giggle and-

Fuck.

No, Techno, be strong. People are horrible, that’s a fact of life. He’s human, too, so he probably looks down on him for being a hybrid, anyhow. All that he’s feeling is a quick moment of attraction -- Nothing more, nothing less. It’ll be gone within the hour.

But suddenly, the green-eyed man goes quiet.

“If I go with you, and I marry this.. this  _ midget _ ,” he starts quietly, “The kid’s curse will be broken?” Dear god, he’s actually going to do it.

Techno wants to scream at him not to do it, that he can threaten the midget into breaking the curse anyways, but he doesn’t. Instead, he nods in agreement.

“Then I’ll do it,” the man says. “But do tell me, why couldn’t he come himself?”

“I have no idea. He probably didn’t want to risk his life.”

“So a selfish man that uses others for his own personal gain.” Prince Dream glowers at that. “I can take care of that, though.” A pause. “Anyways, let’s go find Tubbo and your friend.” Then, with all of the poise and grace of the noble line he comes from, the brunet walks past Techno with his head held high.

Of course, then he turns with a sheepish look on his face.

“Sorry, I forgot to ask your name.”

“Technoblade,” the pig hybrid answers without thinking. “I usually go by Techno, though.” That’s a lie, he usually doesn’t tell people his name out loud.

“Well, Techno,” the prince smiles, “It’s nice to meet you.”

And as his heart skips a beat, Techno tries to force himself to think about other things.

Like how pissed Tommy is going to be that the prince knows his name before he does.


	11. Way Too Many Fourth Wall Breaks

So, as it turns out, the dragon is actually a pretty cool guy.

His name is Tubbo, he’s a shapeshifter, and he’s actually around Tommy’s age. He also really likes bees, which is very unfortunate because they refuse to go anywhere near the fortress.

“Why don’t you just… leave?” Tommy asks, because really, that’s the most obvious solution. The dragon, though, laughs awkwardly -- if not a bit sadly.

“I’ve asked Dream that, but he doesn’t want to. And I can’t just  _ leave _ him here, you know?”

Well, that’s just fine and-

Wait a fucking second.

“He?”

Isn’t Dream supposed to be the prince _ ss _ that they’re rescuing? Why the hell-

“Oh! Yeah, you probably don’t know who Dream is. He’s my big brother, pretty much. Not by blood, or anything, but it’s close enough, you know?”

“Dream’s a fucking man?!” What the fuck?! That wasn’t what they were told!

“I… Yeah…? What’s wrong with that?” Tubbo seems more confused than annoyed, which is definitely better for Tommy’s safety.

“Tubbo- Big T, Little T, whatever- We were sent to rescue this… this  _ guy, _ and the bitch who told us to said that he was a  _ woman _ .”

The dragon goes quiet.

“...Somebody wants to rescue him…?” He sounds almost… Hopeful.

Of course, Tommy is a nice guy, so he’ll squash that quickly.

“It’s some old bastard that wants to marry him, or whatever. Total creep, I tell you. And look at what he did to me! I’m a fucking donkey!” A pause. “That’s a curse, by the way. I used to be human.”

“You… Used to be human?” Tubbo seems incredibly confused, but shakes it off. “So this guy wants to marry my brother? And thinks that he’s a girl?”

Tommy nods solemnly.

“I tell you what, Little T. I may want to be human again, but I don’t think I’m willing to give an innocent person to King Schlatt.”

“Is that what his name is?”

The unfamiliar voice comes from an entryway, and both Tommy and Tubbo’s heads turn to face it.

The author already went over the physical description of this person in a previous chapter, so it would be a waste of time to repeat it. Instead, imagine the prior description. Except, of course, with a far less hormonal view, because while Tommy may be a teenager, he’s also hasn’t been living on a potato farm with nothing but angry mobs for company for years.

That shit does things to a man.

Anyways.

Tommy concludes that this mystery person is Prince Dream. Honestly, not what he had pictured, but he guesses he can see the “beauty unrivaled” part? From a neutral, aesthetic point of view of course, because Tommy is a child. The boy-turned-donkey suddenly gets a feeling that some higher power is about to be cancelled, though he doesn’t know why.

Eh, they probably deserve it anyways.

Tubbo perks up at the sight of the prince, getting up to practically tackle him. Prince Dream, however, is unfazed as he wraps him in an embrace and ruffles the dragon’s hair. But if that’s where the prince is, where the hell is the guy who brought him here?

The answer, as it turns out, is about three feet to the left of Prince Dream. It’s about half of what the appropriate distance is, but who cares. What’s important is that the pig hybrid is watching the two brothers with some expression that Tommy can’t read.

Fucking weirdo.

Still, the blond trots over to him in order to give his conclusion.

“We can’t give him to Schlatt,” Tommy whispers urgently.

“We don’t have a choice,” the hybrid responds, and before Tommy can react, he adds: “I told him everything, and he said he wanted to.”

“I can hear you, you know,” Dream speaks up, and he maybe sounds a bit annoyed. “You don’t have to whisper.”

Pig-man has the gall to look embarrassed. What the fuck?

The prince continues.

“Techno, I told you. I’m fine.”

Before anyone else can say anything, Tommy speaks up.

“Who the fuck is Techno?” He asks, and the boy feels a deep rage bubbling in his chest. “Did you fucking tell this man your name before you told me?”

“Well, that’s none of your business, is it?”

To the shock (and horror) of the two newer party members, the donkey lets out a scream of rage.

Techno just rolls his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that I'm really sorry for how long this took. Seasonal depression has been kicking my ass, so it's hard to find the motivation to write. Plus, I'm starting classes again in a few days, so that's even less time.
> 
> I'm absolutely going to finish this, it's just going to take a while.


End file.
